Presently trying to settle what IT is...

I try to live in the present, and though I do at times brood over the past, I think I spend rather too much time living in the future. Waiting for the right thing. Assuming the present is a temporary state and merely a matter of transition:

I am where I am, but I won’t be here long. Don’t get too attached:
My next job will be the right one.My next relationship will be the right one.I love where I live but surely it is temporary!Oh when the house and land are paid off then I can…
The ultimate manifestation of a pathological procrastinator! I don’t dislike my present. I am not someone who can’t wait for the present to be over, I guess I just don’t take it terribly seriously. I can’t seem to stop deferring to the future. I am like an ant, never-endingly preparing for the winter. Though also never really committing to where I am. Always gleaning optimism from the future. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to stop looking forward. I just wish that I would be willing to believe that the present may be as good as it gets… THIS could be IT! (insert any given thought in place of THIS)

As I read this it seems like I am asking myself to settle. I have always HATED the word, and idea of settling. “Settling down.” Retch! I always have seen this as weakness. “Don’t settle for less!”But settling is complicated. and I seem to have grouped all meanings.

set·tle verb, -tled, -tling.
–verb (used with object)
1. to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon (as time, price, or conditions).
2. to place in a desired state or in order: to settle one's affairs.
3. to pay, as a bill.
4. to close (an account) by payment.
5. to migrate to and organize (an area, territory, etc.); colonize: The pilgrims settled Plymouth.
6. to cause to take up residence: They settled immigrants in urban areas.
7. to furnish (a place) with inhabitants or settlers: The French settled this colony with army veterans.
8. to quiet, calm, or bring to rest (the nerves, stomach, etc.).
9. to stop from annoying or opposing: A sharp word will settle that youngster.
10. to conclude or resolve: to settle a dispute.
11. to make stable; place in a permanent position or on a permanent basis.
12. to cause (a liquid) to become clear by depositing dregs.
13. to cause (dregs, sediment, etc.) to sink or be deposited.
14. to cause to sink down gradually; make firm or compact.
15. to dispose of finally; close up: to settle an estate.
16. Law. a. to secure (property, title, etc.) on or to a person by formal or legal process.
b. to terminate (legal proceedings) by mutual consent of the parties.
–verb (used without object)
17. to decide, arrange, or agree (often fol. by on or upon): to settle on a plan of action.
18. to arrange matters in dispute; come to an agreement: to settle with a person.
19. to pay a bill; make a financial arrangement (often fol. by up).
20. to take up residence in a new country or place: Many Frenchmen settled along the Mississippi River following La Salle's explorations.
21. to come to rest, as from flight: A bird settled on a bough.
22. to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc.: A cold settled in my head.
23. to become calm or composed (often fol. by down): I'll wait until the class settles before starting the lesson.
24. to come to rest (often fol. by down): We settled down for the night at an old country inn.
25. to sink down gradually; subside.
26. to become clear by the sinking of suspended particles, as a liquid.
27. to sink to the bottom, as sediment.
28. to become firm or compact, as the ground.
29. (of a female animal) to become pregnant; conceive.
—Verb phrases
30. settle down, a. to become established in some routine, esp. upon marrying, after a period of independence or indecision.
b. to become calm or quiet.
c. to apply oneself to serious work: There were so many distractions that we weren't able to settle down to studying.
31. settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less.
32. settle into, to become established in: to settle into a new routine.

Really only 11, 30, & 31 bother me…

A friend of mine whom I see as being "Very non-settled" and who works all over the world, pointed out to me that it is simply the simplest way to do some things. And coming from someone that i don't see as “NEEDING” stability, it made it seem less saprophytic. For example raising children is hard, but not impossible from a backpack. It just depends on how you want to spend your energy. Staying in one place is not a failure. Compared to him I am soooo settled, but the fact that he had less of an issue with the idea of settling than I did surprised me. Kind of made me take a step back and reconsider my demonization “settle”. I guess when you are all over the place it makes you see the plus side of stability.

I need to stop thinking about building my life like a resumé to be presented in future settings, and more like building a home to live inside of… “a permanent mailing address".

...and if need be I can send out change of address cards.

wasted dates and car insurance.

hmmm. well here are the challenges of late:
1. restaurants. I have given myself permission to eat out/coffee out in a dating context. this is all fine and dandy. now i have found myself out for a drink and eats on 3 other occasions(excluding funerary activities surrounding grandma's passing, which i consider exempt) on 2 occasions out of town work people have been in Regina for meetings and I have been social and attended. this has been cordial, and I am sure good PR for future work in HIV/HCV stuff that i do, and also generally socialisation with Regina friends that i have met through work. but I am wondering if I should be taking a different approach. I will not suggest that should not have spent evenings with these folks. I think it is important to be a host in your city. but should i have pushed for them to come and eat at my place and shared a drink here? should i have eaten a cheese sandwich at home and socialised over as glass of water? In both instances i have insisted upon eating in a locally owned and non-chain restaurant. I have walked or car pooled to the location. But i can't help but feel like I am slipping.
The other restaurant event was out with my friends Amy & Mike, but they have been trying to take me out for sushi since the summer, and we have just not gotten around to it. so should i have deferred until next year? should i continued to insist upon eating at home, and that they didn't owe me dinner at all? I guess the problem is that i LIKE to eat out. I miss it. I miss not doing dishes. I miss the diversity without having to cook too much food. miss the feeling of being out. but this is not a need! this is not even close to a need.

a 4th event that is annoying me is that a friend set me up on a blind date 2 weeks ago, and i used my dating rule to meet this guy. His kids are 19. he has lived in the same place his whole life, and I have NO idea why my friend thought there would be chemistry. When he dropped me off at my house after lunch at a "family restaurant", he asked "Do you have problems with Natives around here?" I believe this question describes our compatibility. I answered "No, just systemic racism." I think this was lost on him. the sad thing is that it was a total waste of a "going out" opportunity. blah! No more blind dates for a while.

This weekend i temporarily re-insured my car. I was going to rent one to go and spend the weekend with my dad at the cabin, after all it cost the same for a month of insurance, as a weekend rental. but then 2 things came to the fore front.
1. I could get a refund for the rest of the month so it would be cheaper to use my car.
2. Most of the reason i wanted to rent was shiny factor. sure winter tires were in my head a bit, but it was more fascination with driving a Suzuki swift for the weekend. and that is not the point of this exercises.

So Kia And I drove up to the Cabin, spent a quiet weekend with my Dad, and Ben the dog, watched the gray cup, cooked in the fireplace, and walked in the woods. I will take my recycling to the Depot this week, and next weekend I will go and see my other grandmother, who is almost 90 and lives out of town, and then I will nix the insurance again.

Oh, and for any friend of mine who wishes to set me up on a date: please don't.

Going strong.

It feels weird to shift to talking about retail abstinence after the weighty topics of late.

The retail hiatus is still going strong. I did some sewing this weekend, and have been feeling really good about the process. I am going to have to make a trip to value village for new jeans soon, as mine are more patch than structure now and soon they may be declared a hazard. Sewing jeans not a fun game, so I will buy a pair second hand. I am also hoping to renovate a wool winter coat soon. Start out with a huge brightly coloured monstrosity, and end with my own monstrous creation.
This weekend i finished a few Crochet and sewing projects.
This weekend I attended a regina Ecoliving potluck, walked around the lake, and slept in. It was awesome. I organised an office potluck in place of our usual restaurant excursion and it was well received by all... amazing food!
The concert i was planning on attending last week was cancelled, so i now need to find a replacement Nov social event... Might go to BC at the end of the month for a Mike Doughty concert, but i have not heard back from the venue if there are tickets left.
It is getting very dark again... I feel like there is a layer of wax and wool on my brain these days. need more sun!
okay. sleep is free. I am going to go get me some!
E

Well it has been one week since my grandmother passed away. It is crazy how the world fills in around the people when they go. I have a sense of procrastination about not going to visit her. It is hard to believe after so many years of various struggles that it can end. It seemed that that state was perpetual.

My mom and I stayed with her on the night before she died until about 2 in the morning. I think we both planned on staying all night but as the night passed, she was stable and resting relatively comfortably so we decided to go home and sleep for a few hours, recharging our batteries for the next day that we anticipated. It is funny, because I remember the trip back to my house is a weird sleepy stupor. I remember parts of the trip like I was driving even though we were in a cab, but also remember that the cab driver was a very abrupt and crazy driver. Both mom and I fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow, despite expecting exhausted layers of insomnia. At 4:48, Ken, my grandmother’s nurse called. She had just passed away. I called another cab, this one less rabid, and got dressed. We were there within 15 minutes.

I had never seen a dead person before. Or touched one.

The last time I saw her alive, her laboured breathing was shallow, and she was not able to respond to anything in the room. The silence in her room at 5 am was very strange. The room’s light flickered with light from her neighbours muted TV tuned to the home shopping network. She was still comfortably tucked into her bed, eye’s closed. Her hands and face were still very warm. Her colour had not changed much, which surprised me. It was definitely different than sleeping. I think it was the stillness. She was beautiful and scary at the same time.

I really value that last hour or so that we were able to spend with her, after she had gone. It was still early, so there were not many staff or people in the halls, giving us privacy and a lending a sense of the sacred to this time spent in a public place.

I am also very thankful for the time grandma and I spent together on the last day of her life. I talked to her about the great memories that I would keep close to my heart, share with my friends, and hopefully share with my children. I asked her for a few favours for myself and friends. A bit odd, and I felt weird asking, but I felt like she was close to having better insight than I have into “the big picture” so who better to ask? And weirdly, parts of my life related to my inquiry have started to change, not significantly, but more change than I have seen in a while. I have a good friend that I asked her to check on too, and there have been a few stirrings in that direction as well, though resolution on all fronts is still beyond the horizon.
I left my grandmother for a few hours on Halloween, to hand out candy, and have some supper. A good friend supplied the ride and the dinner as well as some good rejuvenating conversation. But before I left she kissed me good-bye. I had to ask her a few times, but she puckered her lips and pressed them to my cheek, wish I had placed close-by. When I returned later than evening she was no longer responsive. I wondered if I should have stayed, but that good-bye, potentially not possible an hour later, was such a gift that I know it happened for a reason.

After the funeral home came, and Mom and I made up her bed and tidied her room. Then we went and enjoyed a lovely breakfast at the Hotel Regina, I had Tea and hot chocolate. It was weird to be in public. It was weird to feel okay, sad but okay. I felt like it should have been obvious that we had just been sitting with the dead, that somehow the world should smell different, feel different.

But it was the same.

new mike doughty song to sing

New doughty music... not sure how i am feeling about the new 27 jens song... but new is good. respect the art. right?

JUST WANT THE GIRL IN THE BLUE DRESS TO KEEP ON DANCING

Frat boys gone to dogs
Brawling and sparring
Blue girl, dance for me
The empty floor,
and I said: brrmbpdpdmdm
I love your baby fat: brrmpddmdum
Your crooked nose is where it's at: brrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdm
I assess the essence of the mess
The perfect hourglass of my loneliness,
yes,And I don't care to count my chances
I just want the girl in the blue dress
To keep on dancing
What is this happiness? brrmbpdpdmdm
It was not ever thus: brrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdm
I will prevail for you: brrmbpdpdmdm
Behind the mic I'm burning to: brrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdmbrrmbpdpdmdm
Yeah, I'm just a zip code man
I got my house and I'll stay in if I can, but I
Don't care to keep my fences
I just want the girl in the blue dress to keep on dancingNa na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

Googled

It seems that if you google the term "I don't Buy it" I am the 5th hit.
That is pretty interesting.

not sure how the ending should go.

My grandmother is dying right now. maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. She has been sick for a very long time with a list of things that are not killing her alone. Her pain has gotten to the phase that managing it is finishing the job that auto-immune disease, a heart condition, osteoporosis, diabetes, long term prednisone, urinary tract infections and depression have been too weak to finish.
I think that by managing her pain this way we are giving her the comfort and dignity that she deserves. I wonder where death starts and where a morphine stupor begins. Is she already mostly gone, and just pops back into this world from the next when we rouse her to offer greetings, a sip of water or to signify our departure for the evening. What will change for her when this is finished? is it a snap from one place to another or even oblivion? is it a fading from one scene to another?

My relationship with her has had many ups and downs. As a young child we were not close, but she was my favourite grandma because she did not bug me as much as my other fussy grandma did. She and my grandfather made me my doll house and she sewed neat Barbie clothes. She grew raspberries in the back yard and canned plums.

As a teen i stayed with her for weeks in the summer, on year with strep throat on her couch. We picked saskatoons, and strawberries. She took pictures of me dressed up in her old wigs and my grandpa's clothes pretending to be a detective. She used to wear wigs in her younger years. The basement always had the same smell. As kids my sisters and cousins and I would spend hours in slippers she made, drawing on the blackboard in the basement, climbing on the freezer to bug Tom the cat.

She has a hammer toe and is very embarrassed of her perceived bow legs and feet. She made chicken and broccoli casserole when we came to visit, and made very good muffins. blueberry or mincemeat.

When i got divorced i wrote to all my family telling them, and she wrote me a wonderful letter back that i still have, a letter that calmed my fears of being a grave disappointment.

When i moved to Saskatoon for school I would drive up to Prince Albert where she and my other grandparents lived for the weekend. She taught me to can beets and make jam. We would eat veggie burgers and i would help with whatever chores she had for me. up and down the stairs from the kitchen to the deep freeze. We would watch PBS nature documentaries.

We also had conflict. Mostly over the way she treated my mom. we have had our fights. some active and some simply periods of silence. but somehow, we remain close. I really will miss her despite this shitty interludes.

I think that part of the Cosmic Reason for me Moving here to Saskatchewan had to do with my grandparents. I am not here for work or school. Being near to them has done more to change who i am and the relationship I have with them, than any of the academic endeavours here.

In Saskatoon i had the chance to spend almost 3 weeks with myother grandmother, my Dad's mom, in the hospital when she had heart problems. telling stories, just getting to know each other.
funny, at both intervals or sick grandmothers there have been some conflicts with the roll i am playing as a grand-daughter.

I think that I want to have children not just because i want to have them for them and the people they will be, but because of the potential to also meet the people the will raise as my grandchildren. the extra gap in generations just seems to work . My grandparents have been more important to me recently than they were when i was a kid. then they were a source of gifts or interference. a source of praise or conflict. Now they are pieces of me. positive and negative.

From her i think i have a desire to grow food and flowers. I like to make pickles and jams. She credits herself for my non-fear of bugs and things-that-crawl from my time in her garden and the things that i would encounter in the raspberry patch and rows of beans. I do remember running screaming from the berries after tossing the harvest into the air after a daddy long legs found his way into the bucket. But i went back in.she explained he had every right to be there, and the good wirk he did.

I do not have her sense of house-keeping, or of the need to iron sheets. i do not iron sheets. and if i had a dish washer i would put the ALL the dishes in it. not wash some separately.

Right now i feel like i have rushed too much through life. like i am missing the point of things. I feel like I want to slow it all down.

I realise that my sister's child will be me. in the sense of being the eldest grandchild. they will remember my parents as younger grandparents than my children will ever be able to.